Drunk Tank (Tips for Inebriated Passengers)

What do bartenders and Uber drivers have in common?  Drunk customers!

Another weekend has passed and now we're all regaling our business passengers with tales from the drunk side.  While it makes for fun stories, dealing with a drunk passenger is never easy, and rarely the same.  It doesn't take much for a drunk conversation to turn into a bad situation.  Locally we had an incident that ended up with a driver being suspended (rightfully so) for taking inappropriate action with a drunk passenger.

How do you handle the passengers who've had too much too drink?  At one time Uber thought it might be a good idea to equip drivers with a Bop It! toy - they tried the experiment in Charlotte NC, no word on how that worked out.  It concerns me that a drunk passenger might have a hard plastic toy to hit with.

The first thing to remember when dealing with a drunk person is that they have very few inhibitions.  Their filter for saying or doing the society-accepted "right thing" is gone. Now they will do or say just about anything without fear of retribution.  They are, in essence, like small brainless children driven to get their way.  Trying to reason with them is going to get you nowhere.  Having a drunk person in your very enclosed vehicle now puts you on the front line of being the grown up, nurse, therapist and entertainer for the length of the ride.

Keeping the above in mind, here are some things you can try that will help you get your passenger home safely.  Start with trying to determine what type of drunkenness you're dealing with and remember all drunks respond best when approached in a friendly, unassuming manner - this is not the time to go all out authoritarian.

• Is this the fun loving, everyone's best friend (and yours too now!) that wants to keep the party going in your car?  If they are solo you need to give them something to play with, otherwise it's going to be your radio, rifling thru your glove box and etc.   Try Pop Rocks.
  
  Yes that wonderful treat from childhood will entertain a fun-loving drunk and keep them relatively quiet.  Because it's a novelty item, it gets their attention and because of the playful way they pop in your mouth it's entertaining.  Plus it doesn't  have too much of anything that would make them throw up.  And this is handy for a group of drunks as well.
• Is your drunk passenger talking about all the problems they have? Then you need to play therapist - this is an easy one.  Just nod, agree, sympathize.  Don't try to solve their problems - you won't be able to because they aren't in their right mind.  You can try to ask them about other things in their life unrelated to the current situation - where are they from?  what schools did they attend etc.
  
  Give them a tissue, let them cry. Be careful not to laugh or give any indication that they are not totally justified in their feelings lest you end up with either (a) angry drunk or (b) blubbering won't get out of your car (and potentially self harming) drunk.
• Some drunks are easy to handle with a little distraction.  A conversation steered away from the present situation, argument or complaint.  No politics or religion!  Offer them a mint (not water - lest they throw up). Ask them questions about themselves. Talk about the latest big sports win, concert or other event in your area that people know about.  By then you should be halfway to their destination.
• There are also those drunks who get into your car and immediately feel an undying love and affection for you, their savior, their driver.... and now you've got someone who wants to touch and caress you while you drive.  Eeeewwww..... if these people could see themselves in the cold light of day!  Again, remember they are without any filter so they don't realize how inappropriate their behavior.
  
  For this personality you'll want to give them something or someone else to be in love with - corny but maybe a small soft novelty toy like a minion will work.  Ask if they have any pets, usually people love their pets and can get pretty absorbed into pet discussions.  I've also had luck with tootsie roll pops - kind of satisfies that need to get engrossed in something.... I'll just leave it at that.
  
  
  
• And then there are the angry drunks.  Sad to say but some nights you're going to be facing the worst passenger you could imagine.  If you have an inkling that your passenger is of the angry, rough type do everyone a favor and cancel.  This type of passenger is best handled by a close friend, relative or, unfortunately, the police.   No amount of reasoning, placating, distraction or choices will make this person behave during the trip.  No matter what you do it will lead to low ratings, uneasy feelings and possibly confrontation.  You're an Uber driver, you're not trained for nor should you have to deal with someone who is drunk, disrespectful and unruly.
  
• Finally - be sure you are prepared for puke.  Sad to say but it happens.  Have barf bags - the self absorbing kind with the fold-down sealing top is best. You can find them here.
  
  When the puke misses the bag you now have to stop and clean up.  After your passenger exits the car be sure to take several photos of the puke mess from different angles before cleaning up.  Submit the photos via your Uber app for reimbursement or "clean up fee."    The clean up fee reimburses you for the time you are not able to earn and the cost of cleaning up the car.  So plenty of photos are a must.  And if you have anyone else clean the car from the mess keep the receipt until you are reimbursed.
  

Drunk passengers make the best stories, they also cause the most problems.  You never know what the next drunk passenger will have in store for you.  From puking to party animal, Uber drivers see them all.  The more prepared you are for the inevitable mayhem, the better.  Just a few extra items in the car and you'll be ready for just about anything.